havent written in this for a while - almost forgotten about it really, but then I was struck with a sense of maudlin and so thought it best to write it out instead of drink it away.
We've had old friends of mine from my schooldays staying the last two days - two sisters, both of whom are and have been crushes for as long as I've known them, but for different reasons.
The older of the two, who I'll call sw1, was my best friend's girlfriend when we were teenagers, and I lusted after her in a terribly unrequited teeny way. Time has moved on, and after a marriage and two kids she is still super-glam and gorgeous, but my tastes have changed in the meantime, and although I love her dearly as a friend, my old attraction just isnt there any more, for which I'm glad.
sw2 however, has become so much more beautiful as the years have passed it aches me to behave normally in her presence. My wife noticed last night, and thinks it's cute of me to actually have feelings that I express, however repressed they are.
This is mainly because, correctly, she knows there's no threat of me acting on it, and moreover, reciprocation is not there either.
Doesn't change the stupid flustering I feel as we sit across from each other last night, drunk on cheap french wine, talking about who and how we used to snog twenty years ago...
Now of course I sit here with the chill realisation that I have turned into the sad lonely middle aged man I always swore I never would.
It's not the same feeling as depression, and it doesn't have the same twisted pleasure I get from self pity.
This feels much more like a sense of loss and regret - but lighter somehow, as though its intensity had been diluted somehow into a sheen of what it might be.
I've noticed my interest in porn has disappeared, which is odd indeed - cant explain that one at all.
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Talking with them made me think back to all those people from school days, and this led to a couple of things.
First, I read Ben Elton's novel 'Past Mortem'. Great read, especially for someone of my generation, though the identity of the murderer in the whodunnit bit was obvious half way through - otherwise though a great read.
That book then led me to revisit friendsreunited in the hopes that I would hook up with voices from the past - but of course it didnt.
Noone I wanted to hear about had left profiles or notes - which dropped me back into the wallow I was in before.
Ahwell...
